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Friday Flash Fiction – Interstellar 2

May 16, 2008

I wasn’t quite happy with the way the first version of this idea read so her it is from a personal point of view.

I’m still not totally pleased with it…but I’m too busy right now to devote any more time to it.

Verison 1: Interstellar


“LAURA!” he screamed at her. That seemed to break her trance finally.

“..oh Gil…I…where am I…” She noticed him again but only for a moment, then her eyes began to glaze over again.

He slapped her then. She was back with him.

“Gil, I can’t fight it, I’m trying, but it’s like my innermost me isn’t me.”

“Come with me.” He dragged her over to the bar and poured a tall shot of vodka.

“Drink it!”

“You can’t beat it with this Gil.” Her eyes started to glaze again.

“Drink IT!” She tossed the shot back and coughed, but it seemed to help her stay here.

This battle went on for awhile: Gil yelling, slapping, Laura crying, dazed and finally stone drunk. Only then did the compulsion from the star ship end. Only then when she could barely talk much less walk was she able to ignore its siren call.

He led and half dragged her down to his basement to the laundry room where she promptly threw up.

He went and got some rope.

****

The ship finally left orbit, continuing its journey across the stars.

Gil was afraid he had driven Laura insane. The ship owned her, had created her and had been insistent about wanting her back. She was one of the ship’s remote probes. Once it was gone she started to cry and couldn’t be consoled. He untied her finally the day the ship seemed fully gone.

He bathed her, treated her bruises and bleeding wrists and then put her to bed.

She slept.

Would she finally be free?

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2 comments

  1. Hmm, I agree that the more personal point of view strengthens the story, giving it emotional resonance, but it wasn’t until the very end that I understood what was happening. Even then I had to re-read the first version to fully grasp the significance of Laura’s plight. It’s an interesting concept, though, and I think you should do more with it.


  2. Yup.

    Kinda sums up my whole thought about it. It really needs a much longer piece built around it. The context would allow for a much subtler scene setting.

    I am just flat out of time at the moment. This will probably last through the summer.



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